I have only been with my boyfriend for around four months. I am 28 and this is the longest relationship I have ever been in. I am completely in love with this man, he makes me feel safe and loved and myself. More myself than I've ever been before.
Or I should say he made me feel safe and loved because he told me a couple of weeks ago that he had been in regular contact with this girl who he was fucking right before we started dating and she sent him dirty pictures of herself about two months ago (they were for him to 'remember her by' as they had been working together and that was their last week in the same office).
This has made me completely lose my mind.
In the interests of full disclosure, when we began our relationship I was also seeing other people for the first month and a half but was completely open about this fact (and in fact he ended things with this girl after our second date while I continued to see two other men right up until we slept together for the first time). He has said the contact he was having with this girl was 'banal and mundane' (things about work, about her boyfriend - yes she has a boyfriend) and I believe him (obviously excepting the dirty pictures she sent him of herself, which in my mind is the sexiest pictures anyone has ever taken of themselves in the entire history of the world).
We have talked this through endlessly. Why he kept things from me (not really sure - but mostly didn't want to hurt me, he knew this girl didn't mean anything to him so why risk upsetting the girl who *does* mean something to him), why he didn't tell her to stop texting him or tell her the pictures were inappropriate to send (not really sure - but mostly didn't want to upset her. And I sort of understand this because those guys I was dating to begin with both got in contact with me a couple of months after I broke things off with them asking to meet and saying no to that was incredibly hard and not something I think I'd have been able to do without two years of therapy behind me. But then, the point is I *did* do that because I knew it would upset my boyfriend to meet up with these people), why this hurts me so much when he 'technically' hasn't done anything wrong (I think I'm lacking - I'm not the sort who'd send unsolicited dirty pictures of myself to an ex lover, I imagine she's thinner, prettier, better at sex than I am - I feel betrayed, I thought he was the honest one and could teach me to be the same). He has not once made me feel stupid for being upset, he's been incredibly supportive and understanding in a way that no one in my family and no one I've ever dated before has been for me.
So why can I not let it go?
I have tried focusing on the positives; life will get shitty and he's proven he can be there when you need him to be, he's shown with his words and actions time and again how much you mean to him, he knows he's made a mistake and is sorry and won't do it again. I have put myself in his shoes and think I understand how and why he let this happen; that he was cowardly, yes, but not malicious. This wasn't done for kicks it was done out of a misguided sense of trying to keep the path smoothest for everyone involved. I have tried to put myself in her shoes and end up feeling sorry for her - she's sent pictures of herself to other men they worked with as well (and, might I reiterate, she has a boyfriend herself) which suggests to me she's the sort of person who has this unending desire for validation - something she doubtless never received from her father if my calculations about human behaviour are correct. She's broken and trying to make herself feel better as best she can. We have all been there surely?
So why can I not let it go?
I feel like I'm ruining this thing; this thing that seems precious and rare and beautiful. I'm ruining it by thinking too much about how he's hurt me, I'm ruining it by being fine and then suddenly not being fine, I'm ruining it by the (overwhelming at times) desire I have of wanting to run away as far and as fast as I can (my daydreams have me quitting my job, leaving my home and going to Africa to work in an AIDS clinic to while away my days focusing on other people's real problems, rather than my imagined ones). Why can't I just accept things for how they are? That this happened and he's admitted it, told her to not contact him (now), and wants only me. It's not even like he's done anything that bad so why can I not just let it settle? I'm starting to honestly feel unhinged, suicidal thoughts that I thought I'd banished a long time ago are starting to creep in to my brain. I hate myself. I thought I'd healed the broken person I was. I thought I was ready for an adult relationship and all that entailed but I'm wondering if I'm just not someone who can handle love. That I'm better off alone where hurt like this isn't an issue.
I think I was being too naive before to think that this thing was perfect. By revealing all this to me does it not make it more real and by extension even more 'perfect' (whatever that means) than before? He's revealed he's an imperfect creature but so am I. So are we all. But how do I make this stop hurting? How did you work out and work past betrayal? What do I have to do to let all this go?
Yours
Past Me
Dear Past Me,
Here's a thing I know seeing as I used to be you - you're looking for a magic, instant solution that's going to erase all the hurt and put you right back where you were before you found out you and your boyfriend are both human.
Good luck with that!
I don't mean to be facetious (I do a bit) but it's just not going to happen. You know that's not just going to happen. You spent the last two years of your life coming to terms with the fact that that's not a possibility. What I want you to do now is slow down and breathe and take in the view around you. Stop worrying about becoming me, where you're finally stable again, and focus on being you right at this second. Let's examine the facts: You know these feelings don't just disappear. You know they have a right to be felt. It's all very well going around putting yourself in other people's shoes but have you thought about putting yourself in your own shoes? It's okay to be angry, it's okay to be hurt. Whether or not you feel your response to all this has been proportional (and I know you don't) is not really the issue at the moment. The issue is what do you feel? Don't turn away from that. Don't push it down. Just let it happen. You deserve that much at least.
Right, that's the hardest bit out of the way. Actually letting yourself feel the things that you feel. So what next? Well, this is the second hardest bit - showing your feelings. Notice my turn of phrase there; I don't just mean talking about your feelings in a calm rational manner, but showing them. You're becoming extremely adept at the talking about them; "It made me feel x when you did y" but, although this is an important skill and that cannot be understated, it's just a part of the process to help you. It's what will form the bedrock for the actual showing which is where you'll start the healing. I know that's going to be difficult for you. Showing your feelings means showing yourself means making yourself vulnerable. And you hate that. You've spent a lot of time trying not to do that, but making yourself vulnerable is where you get the things that mean the most: Love. Truth. Meaning. Healing. Growing. These all come from allowing yourself to be vulnerable. There's also that other flip side of the vulnerable coin: Hurt. But is this guy not worth that? Do you not want to take the leap with this one far more than you've ever done before? Not just because he's better for you than the others but because he's willing to take the leap too.
And what does the leap look like? Well I've been disingenuous here slightly because it's less a leap and more a continuous road. Something that can be skipped along happily at times, that you'll just quietly trudge along at others, and occasionally something that'll be incredibly treacherous. You'll get through or round this or you won't but if you do decide to slay the dragons/reveal the wizard/escape from the townspeople then your only chance at triumphing over these challenges will be to team up and do so together. I understand how difficult that will be for you as you've come to rely solely on yourself but when you're tired, or sad, or angry, having another person there to share that with you and help you through it is not a sign a weakness but that of strength.
I think the other part of this you're finding difficult is the idea that, not only is there a magic solution to this problem, but that when you're fine with this you'll be fine forever. It's not going to work like that, however much you wish it would. You will be fine, then you won't, then you will again. The thing that gets you through that? Keep talking, keep showing, keep respecting yourself and him. This is how those metaphorical dragons get slain. They'll only overwhelm you if you pretend they don't exist, if you stand up straight - with him, and wield swords of truth together it'll increase your chances exponentially at destroying them. Maybe you won't kill them completely, maybe they'll come back in a different form. Whatever happens as long as you stand side by side to fight they'll never win.
That perfect love you thought you had? That wasn't real. This is what real looks like. Real is the thing you've always said you wanted. So allow yourself to have it, warts and all.
Yours,
Future Me.
