Clemency

I didn't even notice her at first. Not really. I tended to just keep my head down, slice meat, smile at customers, nick the odd bit of cheese, go home. I wasn't terribly interested in the other faces that appeared in the corridors behind the 'Staff Only' signs. Or, maybe not wasn't interested, just didn't have the social skills to ingratiate myself with the other cast members of the business called 'Tescos'. I would often eat in the toilet if I wasn't able to wangle myself a later lunch spot as I couldn't be guaranteed a table by myself and the thought of walking in and having to ask someone if I could join them just horrified me. It's only now I realise this sort of behaviour is perhaps what stopped me from being the person that others would laugh and joke with and made me the person that they just occasionally smiled thinly at instead.

Her friend was the one to speak to me about a possible date. A lanky fair-haired guy whose name I couldn't remember even if I wanted to. 'Chris' might be right. He looks like the sort of guy that would be called Chris - smily and unassuming. 'Hi' he said. I looked round to check who he was talking to. 'It's Louise isn't it?' I nodded, slowly. 'Listen, my friend likes you' he said, forthrightly. 'Really?' I said, a hot flash of embarrassment rising from my throat all the way to the top of my head. 'Yeah. She wants to know if there's a chance you'd like her too...'. The way he phrased it confused me. I starred at him quizzically, looking for the punchline. He matched my stare with a smirk. 'Yeah there's a chance' I said after a beat too long of silence. 'Ok. I'll tell her'.

Her name was Chantelle Lily.

In later years this name would cause great amusement to those that heard it.

She sounds like she's from Eastenders!

But it never struck me as odd. That was just her name.

She came up to me after my shift ended and said, in a very matter-of-fact fashion 'my friend spoke to you earlier'. 'Yes' I replied, suddenly unsure what to do with my hands.
'I'm Chantelle by the way'
'Louise'
'Do you want my phone number?'
'Um... Ok. Sure'
In truth I was not sure I wanted her phone number, I wasn't entirely sure what was happening at all. My experience of these things at that exact point ran to a holiday romance with a Floridian magician who had groped my boobs but never kissed me and spoke loudly about his girlfriend to some other customers after I went back to his shop a couple of days post-boob grope, and little else. The idea that someone found me attractive was outlandish to say the least. To believe that this boyish looking girl with short black hair had developed a crush on me without me even doing anything, never speaking or joking with her, never smiling or making eye contact with her, just by being around and looking like me, was inconceivable. I didn't know how to act or what to say at the best of times but this was completely out of my field of knowledge. I felt something was shifting and it was out of my control but I wasn't sure how to stop it or if I even really wanted it stopped. She took my phone and inputted her number and then made me do the same.
'All done' she said 'are you working tomorrow?' I nodded meekly and made that sort of 'hey-whatcha-gonna-do-about-it?' self deprecating face I make when I sense I should be making light of something but I don't have the words to do so verbally. 'Yeah, me too. See you tomorrow then!' and with that she abruptly turned and went off to her posse of friends who had gathered outside. I felt flattered and worried and confused. Still unconvinced that someone, somewhere found me at all worthy of a phone number swap with the intention of... Well, with the intention of something I wasn't quite sure of.

As I pulled up to her house she was already waiting for me. Leaning against the gate with her arms folded. She visibly breathed a sigh of relief when she realised it was me in the old white Fiesta.
'Heya!' she singsonged as a way of greeting and bundled into the car in a ball of nervous energy.
'Hiya' I singsonged back in a voice that didn't seem to belong to me
'Where do you wanna go?'
'Dunno'
'Shall we just drive around for a bit?'
'Ok'

She looked at me in this way that meant I suddenly forgot how to drive. This chick was making me nervous.

When I'd recovered my (newly acquired) driving skills she babbled about working at Tesco's (she liked it - that set a warning bell off), about her eventual career aspirations ('prison guard' for the record. I was like, 'figures' and then immediately cursed my judgmental brain), her qualifications (on our second date she confessed she'd lied about having A-Levels 'I don't even know why I did and I've been worrying about it ever since!' It made my heart melt a little), her parents (both dead). She was acting almost as if she was at a job interview that she was desperate to be hired for. Curiouser and curiouser as far as I was concerned. I remained passive, giving little away (I rarely do) and tried to figure her out. Don't get me wrong, I liked her. A lot. What I'd perceived previously as angry energy as she stalked the Tesco canned goods aisle was utterly wrong. It was clear she projected this version of herself that was tough and unfriendly (albeit subconsciously I believe. But then orphaned lesbians probably have to learn a little self-protection don't you think?) but she was actually very sweet and warm and funny and more than a little goofy. However mixed up I was (oh Susie, when will you deign to share a plate of chips and a conversation about Courtney Love with me again?) I knew this girl just didn't fire me up the way certain boys and particular girls fired me up. She was no Susie, let's put it that way. Susie was red lipstick, ripped tights, and danger. This girl was... nice. A boner killer for anyone. When you're 17, nice is as good as bringing your mum on your date with you. (So why did you string her along Louise? Is it awful to admit that it was just because no-one else seemed interested?)

We stopped at the seaside.

'Are you out?' she enquired. 'Yes I am out at the seaside with you' I nearly responded until it struck me what she meant. The lesbian lingo was obviously not second nature to me as it was to her.
'Umm... Yes' I lied 'You?'
'Yeah, ages ago. Well, my friends have known for ages - don't think it was really a surprise to anyone!' she smiled a self-deprecating smile 'but didn't tell my nan till last year. She was cool with it though'
'Cool' I affirmed.

I felt very jealous in that moment; she was so comfortable with who she was. Susie was like that too. I lacked poise, my awkwardness showed up the cracks in my self-confidence. I wasn't sure how to get from where I was to where she was when I had no idea who or what I was in the first place. Not just with the sexuality thing but with everything. Susie stalked from room to room always looking amazing and never worrying about this stuff. The space she occupied always seemed filled whereas I only ever felt half there. Chantelle gave off that aura too, she seemed solid - not fat, I don't mean fat - but like all her atoms where sure of their placing. Mine were not. I sometimes felt like a ghost or an apparition - floating about the place without ever making an impact.

The waves were lapping at our feet as we walked along the shore. There is something lovely about never being far from the sea, it always feel like home and yet invites one to adventure. She stopped and turned to look at me. I could sense what was coming 'We should go' I said 'it's getting late'.

As I stopped outside her house she leaned in for a very chaste hug which I reciprocated.

'We should do this again soon' she said. I nodded and she got out of the car.

As I drove home the only face I could picture was Susie's. I knew Susie was not thinking about me.