The thing is.

I am not what you might call, a direct person. I speak big about being honest and open and shit but speaking and actually doing are quite different. Firstly, it's not something I was taught how to do. In my family we never discuss the thing, we discuss everything around the thing but never the thing itself. We passive aggressively make references to the thing ('yes, well, if you don't know why I'm talking like this then there's no point in me talking at all'), or bring the thing into the room at points where it resolutely cannot be discussed (e.g. 'THING!!! Could you pass me the gravy please grandma?') but being upfront and honest does not come naturally or easily to me or anyone in my family. Over the last couple of yeas I have, almost from scratch, had to teach myself (with help from therapy) how to feel feelings (which is intrinsically bound with confronting the thing in a healthy and communicative way). Which is crazy right?! I mena, it's not that I've been some kind of robot-humanoid sent back from the future to kill John Connor (or whatevs) but feeling feelings was not something I was very good at. I knew they existed but I sort of hid from them or pretended like I couldn't see them or just pushed them down and down to make nice balls of stomach cancer. Now I'm able to go 'yeah! the thing! see the thing! look at the shape and texture of it! the thing makes me angry!/sad!/etc!' This is better. The only way to stop whatever negativity is plaguing you is to really sit in it, and let it in, and let it take you over until you know it intimately. It's like, by doing that you release the pressure valve or take away it's power or something. Some kind of ineffable alchemy occurs in a way that eventually, eventually make it better (BUT FUCK KNOWS HOW LONG IT'LL TAKE). The easiest option is of course to run and hide so I've always done that instead. Never being honest, not being real. The crazy part is: turning around and surrendering yourself to the scary feelings that are chasing you is actually much much easier. Maybe not in the short term, but a prolonged bout of neurotic anxiety compared to a short burst of 'FUUUUCK. OW. SHIT. Huh. Oh yeah. I am brave and good after all' is less stressful, ultimately less painful, and wastes so much less time.

But once you accept that as a 'capital 't', "Truth"' you have to be aware of it all the fucking time. It means treating yourself with enough respect to let yourself feel shit because you know that's what you deserve because you're you and you're awesome and you're brave and you are good. This is maybe the harder bit. Living with the enlightenment (if I might be so bold as to call it that). Putting theory into practice. Making choices that are right. Making sure you do the right thing by others as well. Confronting, not only your negative feelings, but not protecting people from their negative feelings either (being open and honest means sometimes being open and honest about shit that you know people would rather not hear). It is not your job to protect anyone from the bad stuff. If anything, by doing that you're painting yourself as some sort of Messianic figure who decides what you will allow people to handle or not handle. Which is patronizing and robs people of their ability to think and act for themselves. (Who the fuck am I to decide what you can or cannot handle?!).

Anyway, the last couple of days I've had to do things I would rather not do and say things I'd rather not say to people's faces. But I did it because it was right. I can do things that are right now, for the right reasons. This is progress like you wouldn't believe. As a result, I get to relax a bit as I think elsewhere something special and good is happening to me, to my life, and with people in my life at the moment. It's nice. But it feels earned, and that's what makes it all the sweeter.